Get It Off Your Chest.
Get It Off Your Chest.
The barrage of emotions that can strike you at any moment on any day and how different they can truly be.
Some days I see nothing but blue. Like I’m shrouded in linen and making my slow march towards my inevitable doom. Because really we are all going to die. But am I going to die sooner? I get sad. And wrapped up the mortality of it all.
Some days I feel like a warrior. Picturing my tumor as a monster that I’m preparing to go into battle to squash. I work out and picture myself stomping on it, puncturing the center, exploding it and triumphing over something so small. It might be determined to stop me but I’m determined to stop it. And nothing will stop it. These are good days because strength is the dominant quality. Preparedness and the ability to control what is going on.
Some days I am happy. That it’s stage 1 and that I caught it early and in that moment, everything is fine. And the treatment will be over soon and I can move on with my life.
But I’ll never move on from this which is why lots of days I see red. Pissed off that I got this thing at 33 and now it’s going to be part of my life forever. Knowing I”ll always fear it coming back that I’ll always fear some more cancer somewhere else in my body. It makes me want to punch a wall and then bloody my knuckles by pounding something, someone. Sometimes alcohol dulls that want. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s really hard.
And most days, I feel fear. I can be going along my normal life with a smile and a “morning” but inside is terror. Shear terror. Mainly of the unknown. Because I still don’t have a surgical plan. There is still no plan to ensure that I won’t get this cancer again 100%. There’s still no way to tell whether they’ve caught it all. Of course there’s no way to tell I won’t get hit by a bus tomorrow. But as I write this, my 20 month old daughter is snuggled in my lap and now it’s just one more fear to add to the list I have for her. War, famine, climate change and now mom has cancer. And I think “Please let this be some stupid blip in our life so we can move on and deal with other stupid blips.”